How To Take Over The World In Five Days
by N. H. Nick
Summary: Welcome to the story of how Voldemort tries to take over the world in 5 days! Followed by rookie sleuths (Harry, Hermione) who persue him with clichees at the ready! Fulled of bizarre comments, random characters, pink fluffy handbags and very wierd stones
1. chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I also don't own anything else in this fic.

                                                                           **How To Take Over The World In Five Days**

                                                                                                   **Chapter 1\day 1**

It was a cold stormy night, and Kyron Alhamre, Britain's number one Archeologist and a wizard, sat in his old brown armchair, which was also making him a drink, an IcyMary, and cleaning his shoes. Kyron was reading _Blush beauty magazine, while he read a very interesting article titled 'How to turn on your wizard" he heard knocking on the front door. _

He dragged himself to the big wooden doors and pulled it back a little. Lighting revealed to him two dark and tall figures standing in front of him. As his heart jumped he started closing the doors and grabbing his wand, but one of the wizards in front of him was faster.

"_Expelliarmus__!" one shouted and he flew back and hit a bookcase._

The two wizards entered the house and one started checking the books in the hall.

"Hello, Kyron." The second wizard looked into the eyes of the frightened wizard on the floor.

"You…" Kyron mumbled.

"Oh we do not need to start with the names, you can call me Lord Voldemort." A thunderclap made Voldemort jump a little.

"I scared myself for a second, well back to business, my minion and I want to know where the stone of Rebb-ur is, and you are going to tell us." Another thunder and Voldemort gave a shriek.

"Aah! Anyway, tell us where the stone is!"

"I don't know where the stone is, it was never found!" Kyron was shaking.

"Really?" Voldemort smiled.

"Yeah"

"Really?" Voldemort looked at his minion who was trying to shake a book off his index finger.

"Oh you imbecile." He aimed his wand and the book exploded, taking a chunk of the finger.

"Thank you sir," he cried.

"Now back to you, Kyron." He looked at the old wizard on the floor.

"I don't know where the stone is, really."

"Really really?" Voldemort smiled again.

"Ok I'll tell you where the stone is."

Voldemort laughed an evil laugh.

"It is in the back room." Kyron pointed the way. 

"Thank you." Voldemort walked towards the back room singing:

"I'm happy, oh so happy…"

"_Avada__ Kedavra_!" The other wizard shut the killing course on the poor Kyron Alhamre.

"Lucius, why do you have to be so trigger happy?" Voldemort asked the second wizard.

"Sorry, my lord." Lucius looked apologetic.

"Oh shut it, let's go get the stone. Frankly I didn't think it would be so easy," Voldemort said as they entered the chamber.

The stone lit the whole room.

"Get the stone, Lucius."

"Yes, my lord." Malfoy took the stone and put it in a handbag he took out of his robe.

"Where did you get that nice bag, Lucius?" Voldemort got excited when he saw the fluffy pink bag.

"Stole if from a bum somewhere," Lucius smiled.

"Is it over now, my lord? Can we execute the plan?"

"Oh no, my loyal minion, it is only begun." and the two went skipping out of the room, hand in hand as 'Why can't we be friends' played on an invisible stereo.

                                                                                                              ~^~^~^~

The body of Kyron Alhamre was discovered a few hours later when his neighbors woke up and wanted a cup of seaweed, they immediately called the ministry who send their best agents on the case -- But they were too busy, so they sent two complete rookies for their first mission.

"What are your thoughts, Potter?" asked a younger wizard who was checking the house for bad karma.

"It is probably Voldemort or one of his men." Harry Potter looked at the body.

"Why do you think that?"

"Other wizards don't kill." The young wizard nodded in agreement.

"And after killing him he went into… that room!" Harry pointed to the back room.

"How do you figure that?"

"The body is still pointing to that direction." The young wizard nodded again.

The two walked to the back room.

"Voldemort took something," Harry mumbled as he checked the room with his eyes.

"What makes you say that?" 

"There's a stand in the center of the room with a place for something on it and it is the only thing in the room." The young wizard nodded once more.

"Harry, come look at this," the voice of Hermione Granger called him from the other room.

"I found Kyron Alhamre's biography; apparently he was responsible for many archeological findings." Hermione looked at Harry.

"OK, I want you to make a full list of his findings and their current location, I want to know what Voldemort took ASAP."

"Yes, sir!" Hermione walked away smiling.

"You, I don't want to hear your stupid questions again." He pointed at the young wizards.

"Yes, sir!" He walked away as well.

"AND YOU! Who are you anyway?" He pointed at an old witch on the other side of the room.

"Me, I'm Sherry Bobbins the maid, guv'ner!" She smiled and waved.

"WELL GO AWAY!" Harry shouted.

"What have you done Voldemort? What are you trying to accomplish?" Harry mumbled to himself.

                                                                                                               ~^~^~^~

"I think I know what you-know-who took from Alhamre's house, Harry!" Hermione burst into Harry's office, while he was looking at the door waiting for something to happen.

"What is it, Hermione?" Harry jumped from his chair.

"The stone of Rebb-ur." She showed him very interesting illustrations from the book she was holding.

"What does it do?" Harry asked, while looking at the pictures.

"It is put on the wand like this when it is vertical." She pointed at the first picture.

"And it amplifies the power of the spells the wand casts." Harry continued to look at the pictures which seemed to remind him of something. 

"So in theory, Voldemort can now make the killing curse and he doesn't have to be in the same continent as the target?"

"In theory…" Hermione replied and the decided to close the distracting book.

"Ok let's go and find the dung Beetle and squeeze him for some information." He walked to the door.

"To the brooms!" Hermione shouted, and ran after him.

"Hey. That's my line." Harry frowned.

                                                                                                              ~^~^~^~

"…so you need three hundred kilos of fluxweed, that would be six hundred Galleons." Porter Latam, also known as the Dung Beetle, just made another successful deal selling something he does not have and doesn't even plan to have for an extremely high price, when he was interrupted by a very familiar voice.

"Excuse me," He heard the voice from behind him and when he turned he saw Harry Potter and Hermione Granger.

"Hi, dung beetle," Harry started as the wizard dealing with him ran away.

"You know I hate it when you call me that." Porter frowned.

"Yes, but what kind of a name for a snitch is 'Porter'?" The three nodded in consent.

"Well what do you want to know?" Porter grinned.

"Where is Voldemort?"

"Eek," Porter squealed in a girly cry when he heard that name.

"It's going to cost you," he continued.

Harry took a little bag of his robe and took a few coins and put them in his hands.

"I do not know, but I heard that Pettigrew is hanging out in Hogsmeade."

"What's Wormtail doing there?" Harry grabbed Porter by his robes.

"Don't know, I heard he may be recruiting from the Hog's Head." Harry let go of him.

"Let's go, Hermione; we are going to get ourselves a rat." They mounted their brooms and rode north. Half an hour later they realized they are flying south, so they changed their heading and where now in the right direction.


	2. chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I also don't own anything else in this fic.

A\N: Big thanks to Malfoyman and Tiny_Hillz for their work on chapter 1, and hillz's work on chapter 2, also thank you all who reviewed by now keep on doing it.   

**                                     How To Take Over The World In Five Days**

**                                                         Chapter 2\day 2**

Harry and Hermione flew on their broomsticks as fast as they could to Hogsmeade, they had been flying for a few hours now and dawn broke on the horizon.

"Harry, why can't we just apparate to Hogsmeade, or use Floo powder?" Hermione gasped, tired from the long ride. 

Harry thought a moment. 

"Because, I haven't thought of that before and besides, if we get to Hogsmeade that fast it will harm the time-line credibility of the story" Hermione nodded but added in an undertone.

"Idiot" 

"There! We have arrived. Prepare for landing," Harry said about half an hour later, and they landed in an empty alley.

"It is too early to go to the Hog's Head, we should wait a few hours." Harry said as they folded their brooms and put them in their robes.

"Maybe we should even get some clever disguises because Harry Potter can't just go into the Hog's head," Hermione added.

Harry's eyes lit. 

"No I have a better idea, we should get some clever disguises".

"Let's go!" Harry started walking towards the main road and once again Hermione muttered to herself; 

"Idiot"

                                                                                                ~^~^~^~

A few hours later Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were in costume and ready to enter the Hog's head. 

"Harry, what am I supposed to be?" Hermione asked while moving a thick black beard from her mouth. 

"I don't really know, the clerk said the muggles chicks love it, he called it a Rabbi, don't worry Herm you look cool, nobody knows it is you." Hermione fixed back her beard and rearranged her heavy black suite and hat.  

"But don't you think it will be a bit odd that a Viking and a rabbi come into the Hog's head?"

"Maybe, but they won't suspect this is us." Harry smiled and moved his long red wig.

"Let's go in," Harry said and seconds later they entered the bar.

Through out the years the bar turned into a dark place for criminals and drunk. Everywhere they looked they saw people talking suspiciously to each other or drinking.

"Oh look it is poor Ernie McMillan," Harry whispered.

"Look how many glasses of firewhisky, that poor drunk" Ernie had grown long hair, similar to Sirius Black when he escaped Azakaban. Ernie's hands shook when he took another glass.  He was the unlucky victim of nothing at all. Nothing really interesting happened in his life, and booze was his new best friend. They sat near the counter.

"Bartender! Give me ten glasses of your strongest drink." Harry ordered.

Then he saw it, an extremely large arrow sign pointing on the back room.

"Let's go there, Hermione," Harry whispered pointing to the signs.

"I don't think it is wise, the auror guide-book states 'do not go to rooms with big signs pointing at them, it is a trap'" Hermione stopped Harry from getting up.

"It says "signs", this is just a very big sign, it can't be a trap." He grabbed her hand and took her to the back room.

But when they entered the back room three wands where then aimed to their faces.

"Or, I could be wrong" Harry said warily just before the hooded wizards in front of them used stunning charms and Harry and Hermione dropped on the floor.

                                                                                               ~^~^~^~

"I have news, my lord," Lucius Malfoy burst in to Voldemort's chamber only to find him in a rather embarrassing position involving a magazine called "Playwitch".

"What is it?" he barked going pink as he arranged his robe.

"Wormatil has captured Harry Potter and the woman in Hogsmead, as expected," Lucius covered his eyes.

"Excellent," Voldemort made something that looked like a smile.

"What about the potion?" Voldemort stood up.

"There are still a few ingredients left, but the spores will be ready in time."  

"Excellent, let's go to Hogsmeade" Voldemort walked towards Malfoy.

"But, why, my lord?" Lucius was a bit stunned, he doesn't like to take unnecessary risks.

"I've got to make sure Harry Potter is put in a position he can escape from and I've got to tell him the master plan, haven't you read the script" Voldemort threw a little booklet at him.

"I skimmed it" Malfoy replied again, and started following his lord.

"Well learn it next time," Voldmoert pointed into the air, and took it down when he realized he looks silly.

"Now let's go!"


	3. chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I also don't own anything else in this fic.

A\N: Big thanks to Tiny_Hillz for betaing this chapter, also great big thanks to Zohar Alon a.k.a Oaken Glow for a bit of inspiration..   

**                        How To Take Over The World In Five Days**

**                                                  Chapter 3\day 3**

"Arrrg, Hermione, I am a man, I don't want to cuddle," Harry Potter mumbled in his sleep, tied to a chair in Voldemort's lair. Hermione was tied to a chair next to him and mumbled "You're the man, you're the man!" and sounded somewhat doubtful.

"Wake up, man!" Voldemort shouted into Harry's ear.

Harry's eyes sprang open.

"What? What? Voldemort!" he tried to take a swing at him only to find out he was strapped to the chair.

"Where am I? Where is Hermione," he calmed a bit when he saw Hermione next to him, still sleeping with a bit of drool coming out of the left corner of her mouth. Then he saw two wizards standing behind Voldemort.

"I believe you know my colleague, Lucius Malfoy," he pointed to his left. Malfoy and Harry nodded.

"But I don't think you had the chance to meet my new friend," He looked to his right.

"Max Power, Harry Potter," Voldemort looked back at him.

"Harry Potter, Max Power," Voldemort looked back at Power.

"Max Power, Lucius Malfoy," they nodded.

"Lucius Malfoy, Max Power," they nodded.

"Lucius Malfoy, Harry Potter," they nodded.

"Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy," they nodded.

"Harry Potter, Max Power," they nodded.

"Max Power, Harry Potter," they nodded.

"Harry Potter, Sherry Bobbins," they nodded.

"Sherry Bobbins, Harry Potter," they nodded.

"Sherry Bobbins, Lucius Malfoy," they nodded.

"Lucius Malfoy, Sherry Bobbins," they nodded.

"Sherry Bobbins, Max Power," they nodded.

"Max Power, Sherry Bobbins," they nodded.

"Sherry Bobbins, Harry Potter," they nodded.

"Harry Potter, Sherry Bobbins," they nodded.

"Harry Potter, chair,"

"Chair, Harry Potter,"

"Chair, Sherry Bobbins,"

"Sherry Bobbins, chair,"

"Chair, Lucius Malfoy,"

"Lucius Malfoy, chair,"

"Chair, Max Power,"

"Max Power, chair,"

"Max Power, Plenty O'tool," 

 "Hold it! Plenty, what are you doing here this isn't a James Bond film? Go away!"

And as Plenty left the room, "Now that we are done with the introductions, I finally have you where I wanted you for twenty long years, Harry James Potter" Voldemort grinned.

"Strapped to a chair like some kind of…" Harry paused searching for a word. "Prisoner?" Harry spat.

Voldemort seemed disappointed.

"Well actually I wanted you duck taped naked to a chair, but this will do."

"Somebody made a mistake, my lord. Henrico come here," A very small man with a long beard wearing purple robes came in hesitantly.

 "_Avada__ Kedavra_!" And the wizard only known as Henrico fell to the hardwood floor.

"Lucius!" Voldemort whined.

"I'm sorry." He bowed apologetically. 

"What are your plans, Voldemort?" Harry decided to interrupt them.

"Oh yes my master-plan" Voldemort took a long breath. "I'm going to use the stone of Rebb-ur to spread the potion known as "the dumb-dumb potion" and to dumb down all the nation's leaders of the world and have them surrender their nations, To me!" he waved his hands cheerfully.

"But the leaders of the world's nations are already complete nitwits" Harry was trying to spoil Voldemort's plans.

"Well, think how they would be if they were even more idiotic" Voldemort laughed an evil laugh.

"You're evil!"

"I know." He continued to laugh.

"What about Lichtenstein?" Harry asked suddenly. 

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want to control Lichtenstein as well?"

Voldemort petted a beard he was trying to grow. 

"Yes! Even Lichtenstein!"

"What about Australia?"

"Oh I don't need that," Voldemort made a nasty gesture towards that part of the world's map that was in a far corner of the room.

"So I'll take all the world's nations, including Lichtenstein but without Australia" Voldemort laughed again.

"Kill him, Max." Voldemort strolled into another room and Power aimed his wand at Harry's face.

But Harry was ready, he leaned backwards and the chair fell to the floor, and the curse just missed him. He then made a strong and quick move with his legs and broke the bottom of the chair. He kicked Power's hand and his wand flew away.

With another strong move of his hips, he broke the chair almost completely, and was able to stand up, with his hands still tied behind his back.

Harry ran and knocked Power out before he was able to get his wand. And then he felt a sting in his back. He was hit with the stun curse by Malfoy had been sent to check on Power.

                                                                    ~^~^~^~

"The situation is under control, master. Power is taking Potter and the girl to the torture room, Snape will join him soon." Lucius reported while engaged in a deep bow.

"Excellent." Voldemort said in a low voice. 

RING, RING a high-pitched sound was heard from near Voldemort's chair.

"Eek! What is this?" Voldemort jumped into Lucius' Arms.

"It is that muggle thing you bought, I think it is called a Mellowphone." Lucius hugged his master protectively.

"Oh, yes, I really don't know why I bought that bloody thing."

"You said it makes scary sounds to confuse the enemy." It finally stopped ringing and a scary low voice was heard from the machine. It was obvious the speaker was half intoxicated.

The voice was Voldemort's voice, and it was singing, 

_Believe it or not Voldemort isn't at home_

_So leave a message, after the beep_

_I must be out or I'd pick up the phone_

_Where could I be?_

_Believe it or not Voldemort's not home_

A few clicks were sounded and it all stopped.

"Well, I think it is time to check on the potion."  Lucius carried Voldemort out of the room.

                                                                    ~^~^~^~

Harry was tied harder to a bigger chair this time. He knew they had taken him somewhere else, he was glad Hermione was next to him.

"What are you going to do to us?" he asked Max Power.

"Wait until my friend comes and you will find out." Harry ran a few scenarios through his head while they waited and they didn't look good. But he forgot them all when he saw who the 'friend' they were waiting for was: Snape.

"Hello, Potter." Snape spat.

"Hello, Snape." Harry spat back. 

"What are you doing here? I thought you were entertaining Malfoy," he continued.

"Very funny, Potter." Snape replied in his low voice.

"Do you know what time it is, Potter?" he grinned. "It's naked time!" Snape answered himself, and was about to throw off his robe when Power stopped him.

"No Snape, this isn't naked time yet. Bring in the muggle machine I think is called a Gallevision," Power shouted and two wizards came in holding a fifty-two inch, wide-screen television.

"Now, what do I do here? Press this… and this," Power said to himself and the TV was turned on.

What was on the TV was more a torture than Crucio, more deadly than Avada Kedavra, and more mind-numbing than Imperio:

There was a big purple dinosaur singing songs to little kids.

"No! Stop! No! No!" Harry and Hermione shouted simultaneously while they writhed in their seats.

Hermione was the first to break. Her last words before she passed out were "Harry, if I don't make it kill…" Harry tried to break free, knowing he could not withstand more of the demonic purple dinosaur.

But it was no use, he blacked out as well for the third time in the last two days, and he and Hermione were carried out by Power.

Finally, Snape was left in the room. He looked left and right, checking he was alone. 

"Naked time!" he shouted, and he took off his robes and began Irish-step-dancing stark naked.


End file.
